These past couple months have been an exhilarating experience. I’ve put away a lot of time to just think about myself for once. A lot of systems, models of the world, and designs of my own inner workings have been drafted and built for the first time.

At first, I thought about how I worked and thrived. Hate was my initial answer. Most of my formative progress in life has been made through the reflections of my past actions and behaviors.

I hated how socially inept and anxious I was, so I decided to try and do everything I could to become socially acceptable and some-what confident. I hated how lost I was, so I gave myself a sense of direction. I hated how unskilled I was, so I started to actually learn some shit I was supposed to know and more. I hated how broke I was, so I got a job (but I’m still broke, work-in-progress I guess).

I sound like a fucking edgy Sasuke anime protag and I hate it, but it’s really true. I thought I thrived off of hate.

On my bed, I was scrolling through my notes and stumbled upon this exact thought and said something like, “There’s no way I can thrive off of hate forever. One day, all of this hate will be solved. Then what? Will I finally understand how to love myself? Fuck.” Back to the drawing board.

I’ve only loved (and still love) one person in my life. If you’re reading this, hi! I used them as a research source. Why do I love them so much? Why do they seem so perfect to me even though they’re human? Can I use my own love for them as a catalyst for myself. Holy fuck I’m using synthetic data to train myself.¹

I love them because they accept me. I love them because they understand me. I love them because they’re so beautiful inside and out. I love them because we’ve been through so much together. I love them because they’re so awesome. I love them because they are so fucking down for me. I love them because they feel so real. I love them because we lived in a fucked up world. I love them because I believe in them (not the other way around) and they believe in me too. I love them because of other things that I can’t think of right now. They seem so perfect because of all of the above. Sure, they fucked up, but they also fix themself, plus all of the above. And yes?

You can replace “them/they” with “myself/I” and there’s the answer.

Hate and love are the same. When you break it down, they’re just feelings. I unknowingly loved myself, but I used the word “hate” instead.

Thank you for showing me love. I now have a taste of it. I’ll forever cherish and chase this feeling forever.

I love you and my chungus life.