I’ve changed so much this year, it’s kinda neat because there’s still 2 months to go. I transitioned into the new year with a trip to New Jersey and visits to NYC. I had so much fun, I met so many bright people, and created unforgettable memories alone and with others. Flying back to California, I had a realization that I was genuinely lost. Who was I? What did I want to do? Do I even believe in what I’m striving towards? Why am I the way I am? Do I even enjoy myself? Do I even understand myself and the world I live in? These questions filled me with so much anxiety and uncertainty that I unknowingly started to tremble into this new paradigm.

During the first months, I was wandering once in search for answers by continuing to meet and hangout with new people. Every event (funnily enough even in interviews), an unrecognizable self would jolt out of me. Strangely, instead of getting to know them, I was getting to know myself even more. I didn’t really understand it at first, but I loved that me that sprung in those exact moments. I felt so free not knowing what to say to others, how others would react, or what they would say. Those were moments where I could fully express myself in the storm of uncertainty. I enjoyed it, but I would always lose that feeling when walking away. Since then, that me has always been on my mind. Are you obtainable? Can I become you forever one day?

Honestly, life became blurry since I asked myself that question. It’s as if I wiped my eyes, both anticlimactically and climatically, I just became that person over time. Through consistent days of writing about myself, I probably merged with that self by walking into the mirror. Maybe by taking real world initiative in some instances, I trained the muscles to express the self that wasn’t connected to my mind. Who knows?

Everyday, I’ve been feeling what that me felt like. They were secure, brave, and nuanced. They were confident in themselves and the world around them. They weren’t afraid to express who they were, what they thought, and what they wanted of others and the world. They knew that the world wasn’t black and white, it was colorful. Everything was right and wrong, everything and nothing mattered. That me was okay with that.

I originally started to write this blog entry to feel some sort of instability. I wanted to see if there was a spark, something new to explore about myself. Especially because the fruit of my mental and emotional labor tastes normal now. I know this world has many more challenges for me, but it feels like expressing myself was the last bastion.

I want to write more about happenings and how I feel. I no longer want to write about doctrines, those were so current year.